Chaos FM
So here I am working on my little bit of nowhere, listening to Tom Servo & Crow T Robot's fleshoriffic song
Boobular Tubular!, followed almost immediately by R.E.M. singing
Furry Happy Monsters with a bunch of Muppet monsters. I've also just managed to crack my elbow against the side of a chair and loose all feeling in my hand.
It's been a strange night.
Then again, the Arrogant Worms' blasphelicious
Jesus' Brother Bob just came on. ("Hey, Bob!" / "Hey, Judas.")
Of course, it's been an overall strange day, so it seems only fitting that the evening be this way. Though I'd prefer the strangeness to be without the inability to feel my fingers no matter how hard I wiggle them. What sort of strange things have transpired today?
Well, in a Mulberry Street-esque recounting, let me tell you what I bore witness to. As I was idling about at the kiosk, I saw a man. He was a modern man, a new-millennium professional with his business suit, slick sunglasses and a wristwatch that no doubt cost a lot more than my
"PH33R MY L33T NeKK1D SK1LLZ!" Megatokyo boxers. Yes indeed, this man looked every bit the cutting edge of the new and distinguished century.
A shame his hair was trapped in the 1980's and refusing to let go. Ah, the mullet: it is simply amazing to see the power it can still hold over those with lesser minds...or no fashion sense.
Then onto my lunch break, which is meant to be a relaxing time. A time where I should be able to eat, relax and take a refreshing breath away from work. Instead it became something my therapist will no doubt rue once I start ranting about it without showing any signs of stopping. I'm quite certain that my sheer, stunned disbelief is the only reason I haven't already regressed the memory.
The lesson of the day could very well be: Walmart is not as safe as their corporate propaganda would have you believe.
As I was pricing some presents for friends & family, nature called and like an insistent telemarketer I could not put this call on hold. So to the Mens' Room I go. Now I've apparently a bit of a reputation for being able to move very silently and "sneak up" on people who never know I'm there until I'm right behind them. It seems that my stealth mode was on as I stepped into the Mens' Room...and I wish it hadn't.
There I am in front of the urinal...when I hear a curious noise coming from one of the toilet stalls behind me. It's rhythmic. It's rapid. It can only be described as the word: "Fap." Those of you familiar with the online strip
Sexy Losers are already screaming and planning to write me harsh Emails about how unnecessary it was for me to share this with all of you. But hey, the way I figure it, if I'm going to hell, I'm taking you all down with me!
The "Fap", as it's known, is the sound effect for someone enjoying their own company way too much. Now I don't ask for much when I go into a family-oriented store like Walmart: just a little courtesy from employees if I have a question or two; products that are properly priced; and the knowledge that if I need to use the facilities, there's not going to be some guy in the stall wanking off!
Alas, I was unable to leave the restroom with the loud shout of, "For God's sake, keep it in your pants, you bloody wanker!" in as best a mock-Irish accent as I could. Someone walked into the Mens' Room with louder foosteps than I'd had, since the fapping stopped. I escaped while I could, my bladder still full, and decided that the Mens' Rooms in Sears would be much safer. And I was right.
So Today's Lesson could also be: don't use stealth mode when entering a Walmart restroom, or else that "fap" can be both a verb and a noun. But instead of dwelling on that unpleasant reason for me sooner or later developing an extreme phobia of Walmart, I think I'll sit back and groove to the sounds of Marvin Suggs and his Muppaphones, followed by Tim Curry's brilliant rendition of
Sweet Transvestite.
Today's Lesson: ladybugs who drop dead and land on your muffin without you noticing taste a lot like a bad walnut. No wonder people cover these things with chocolate first before eating them.
posted by Phillip at 6:19 PM
